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Yes, I'm hungover.

I spotted this little gem of a self help guide over on YFH and thought it was pretty solid. But I'm honestly not a Monday hangover warrior and I sure as fuck don't have a Batman style utility belt packed with anti-hangover bat-a-rangs so I figured I'd put together some tips for those of us less used to dripping, dropping or drinking far too much on a lazy Sunday.

Simmo only knows one of these people and it's not the dude he has in a chokehold.

Maybe your girlfriend gets upset when you come home barely able to walk at 1am on Monday and
proceed to make the living room wall a vomit mural, maybe you're over committed to your job, maybe you're under committed to the Sunday sesh life. Whatever the reason, for those of us who don't drink even remotely often enough to justify having an "emergency hangover kit" I
threw together a couple tips to help you act just as normally lethargic and useless as a regular, completely mdma induced comedown free employee (or at the very least ditch work as inconspicuously as possible).

Step one is you have to admit to yourself you're not the fucking Terminator of hungover wrecks. You can't just smash a few panadol and charge through the day. When you melt into a little shiny puddle it's because you're cooked, not because you need a shotgun for an arm.You're not ready for the brutal onslaught of people looking at you and co-workers asking how your weekend was. Move on, accept it, prepare for drastic measures.

Wash the stamps off your hands.
I always forget to do this but basically you're ratting yourself out. Your hungover and still half drunk, 7:30am self is not ever going to remember this so aim to get it out of the way in the cab home. Then again when you're that blind drunk you probably won't even stress it. Prepare to blow it on this one.

Coffee is your friend, my workplace provides coffee and milk which is fantastic for two reasons, firstly, nothing helps drag your soggy brain out of the abyss and back into the real world like free coffee and secondly, if you drink enough milk and coffee, eventually you are going to start "dropping the kids off at the pool" so frequently you may as well not be at work. Just remember to take
your phone with you and your day will be well spent.

Don't even bother trying to makeyourself a lunch. You don't want it, you won't eat it and when you find yourself staring at three slices of cheese, some dry crackers and a whole bottle of tomato sauce you're going to end up at the nearest 7/11 anyways. This time in the morning is better spent going that little bit out of your way to buy way too much HJ's in an attempt to smother any alcohol left in your system.

  Another decent strategy that I've picked up is offering to go restock the sugar/milk
or whatever other consumables your work chews through on a daily basis, you can also offer to grab everyone else's lunch whilst you're out getting your own. Between these two you can scrap a whole morning outside absorbing some much needed sunlight instead of staring at a wall wondering what tonight's existential crisis is going to feel like (protip: it'll feel shit)

A lot of the time when I'm completely
shitfaced it's not until I start to sober up and really feel the hangover around 9:30 that I realise how badly I fucked up by getting on the bus that morning. In these instances I'll do whatever I can to get out of work and find my way back into my dimly lit bedroom.

Sometimes going to work is actually a great way to get out of going to work.
Nothing says aggressive infectious disease like a pale sweaty face, sunken eyes and the inability to respond to basic greetings. Coincidentally, this is exactly what you look like the morning after you've come to the realization that you're an insignificant speck floating through space and you're not really attatched to anything so it "totally doesn't matter if you drink that half bottle of JD that's been sitting in the cupboard since your mates 23rd birthday bender." So take advantage of that sweaty, uncomfortable complexion of yours, head into work and then after about an hour tell the boss you can feel your eyes drooping out your anus and you've gotta call it, "sorry mate, I tried but I just can't do it."

Go see a doctor.
In particular, go see an Asian bulk billing doctor. The more Cantonese signage and the less white people in the waiting room the better. Chinese doctors never seem to a give a shit that you're convinced your body is trying its best to turn inside out, but they will fill out a doctors certificate 100% of the time. Only go for this method if you're up to being stared at like the round-eyed piece of shit that you truly are because without fail everyone in the waiting room and in particular the doctor himself will treat you like the most feeble creature on the planet for daring to take a day off without losing a limb or having a brain anurism.

Remember gentleman, when you're out there in the great big day job wilderness with nothing but $2.80 on your bank card and your wits to keep you alive, sometimes the simplest option is the best. Lie. Lie like a motherfucker then hightail it outta there.


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