Alright, it's now officially Friday afternoon, I'm stuck at work in body but my mind is 4 hours ahead of me lining up that perfect playlist to punch cones and smash beers to. I take a bit of pride in my ability to line up playlists that make clothes fall off and white girls dance like they're in a Nelly film clip.*
I'm also a pretty good dude** so this weekend, your playlist is on me.
R. Kelly - Bump n' Grind
This is the bad boy you want to hod onto until everyone is well past sobriety, a versatile song that can either split sheets faster than any force know to man, or get everyone in the room doing seedy dance moves that would put Shakira to shame.
50 Cent - In Da Club
If you can't get into this song then you need to remove yourself from whatever party you are at and put your salty ass to bed early. Everyone knows the lyrics and everyone knows you have to sing them. Party rules, bro.
Nelly - Air Force Ones
The most popular shoe on the planet and a song that never quite got the love it deserved. Nelly knows how to play it and this track will let you tap straight into that "Nelly-force."
Will Smith - Gettin' Jiggy Wit It
You want to pull this track out early, it's something everyone half knows the words to but not well enough to sing along with once they've polished off a few tallies. Also guaranteed to make you look like a champion in fluro shorts and a bright singlet. Legend.
TLC - Waterfalls
The beauty of this TLC track is you can slide it anywhere into your evening, get it happening early and set the mood straight off the bat or hold onto it for later in the evening and have your crew doing the slow, soulful jam between mouthfuls of their cheap wine.
Gwen Stephani - Hollaback Girl
It's important you hold onto this one until you're way too far past it to spell bananas without assistance. You'll really appreciate the sing-a-long style here.
50 Cent - P.I.M.P.
The most sacred of party tracks, P.I.M.P. should be used as the pump up track between slower, more groove oriented beats. You can often pair this track with a party doobie or beer bong depending on which direction you want to head. Either way, prepare to piss your neighbors off when every one screams MUTHERFUKIN P-I-M-P a half dozen times.
OutKast - Hey Ya!
This is a given, no party playlist is complete without some Andre3000 funk. You know the words, you want to shout them, you want to dance like the inebriate jackass you are whilst you shout said lyrics. Go for it pals.
Nelly - Hot In Here
Nelly kills it again with this classic track about the shitty ventilation wherever you are. The only rule here is don't expect anyone to take their clothes off when this comes on. The only person who will is your way-too-drunk mate who has a bigger beer gut than your great uncle and is hairy enough to play chewy in the next sequel.
Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
White people love JT. You can deny it all you want but with enough white wine inside of your body this is going to be your favorite song of all time. Trust me, I've been there and I came back a wiser man.
Beyonce - Crazy In Love
There's a reason Beyonce is called the queen, you can shake your booty better than Amber Rose the second you get some of this funk in you.
Destiny's Child - Survivor
You're going to regret yelling "I'M A SURVIVOR" into the night sky tomorrow morning when you're barely scraping by, battling a colossal hangover that aspirin cannot tame. That said you might as well enjoy feeling that good while you can.
*The chances of people getting naked to these songs in between slim and none.
**I am 100% not a good dude.