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How to be an utter fuckwit.

I'm a fat salty cunt. Ask anyone who's known me for a while and they will confirm, Brento has long hair, talks about cars too much and is salty. Super salty. Bullshit fuckin salty. With that in mind I'd like to lead you on a journey into my saltbag mind where we can explore some trends I've recently noticed. In particular I'm talking about that fuckwit at every party you go to, the guy who gives off such an aura of dumb cunt you can't look at them without wanting to vomit and punch the idiot at the same time. I was at a party recently where there was about 5 of these cunts and it's got me bloody riled up. let's begin:

1. Being an utter fuckwit at a party starts well before you walk through the door. It's important to choose attire that does two things, tells people you're interested in subversive culture and two, distances you as far as possible from actually having anything to do with subversive culture. I'll give you an example: you could wear a Megadeth t-shirt (sick) and then tuck your fucking t-shirt into your skinny black jeans which you have rolled up to show off the brand name on your socks (fuckwit). It was also pointed out to me that at least one of these idiots was wearing a beanie in the middle of Queensland summer.
(Sidenote: The more deodorant or aftershave you wear, the better. you need to smell like you're a 16 year old who just discovered Lynx)

2. The second step to actually prepare for the party is to select a drink that is universally adored by pissheads, the golden brew of humanity, I'm talking about beer. Of course during this process the brand of beer you select is extremely important. It's no good buying a beer you actually like if nobody else at the party has heard of it so your choices are essentially XXXX Gold or VB, VB coming in with more standards per stubbie so there's your decision made. You absolutely HAVE to buy an entire carton because you're a fucking legend and you're gonna get so cunted you can't walk, plus then you can share em with all the hot chixxx at the party, LEGEND. If you follow all this up by constantly talkin about how "sick" VB is and how you "fuckin love" VB and talking about VB in a fukin aussie accent you're already well on your way to be a complete, utter fuckwit.

3. Now you're completely prepared for the party having dressed like you just Googled punk hipster and being stocked up with a case of beer you can't wait to tell everyone about (it's VB, lol) you have to make sure you're the top dog, big man, absolute legend that everyone wants to know. This is where the handshake comes in. I don't know what it is with these cunts but for some reason they have the compulsion to shake the hand of every single human being they encounter. Not in a friendly "hey mate, nice tie-die whatdidyousayyournamewas?" way but more in a "I'm shaking your hand because I'm a fuckwit" way. This handshake must be perfectly crafted to inform the person you've acknowledged them, but you really don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself. A true art in itself, the fuckwit handshake is limp, brief and by the time you've made contact with the other persons hand you have to be looking at the next person you're going to subject to your fuck off awful handshake. I honestly struggle to wrap my head around this one, why the fuck is some 19 year old dude shaking my hand like I'm his girlfriends dad? Did you really have to weave your way between the door and the 15 people swaying drunkenly on the deck just to give the briefest, most piss-weak handshake you could manage? Fuck.

4. You're at the party, you're dressed like a dumb cunt, you just bumped into 4 people trying to shake hands with the one guy sitting in the corner who's too baked to get up... Time to party! But not really. The final, and perhaps most crucial aspect of the entire fuckwit facade is that you don't dance, you don't drink and you just look sour the second the girl you're trying to fuck stops paying attention to you. If you drink more than a 6 pack of the carton you brought then you're doing it wrong. No matter how much you talk about the VB you're holding in your hand you can't actually make any effort to sink said piss. Instead just focus on complaining about the music unless someone is blasting alt.metal so loud nobody else at the party can hold a conversation, and chugging those rollies that cigarette marketing has convinced you are cooler than tailors. (That shit is real, ciggie companies want you smoking rollies, they've got more sugar in em so kids will drop cash on darts instead of whatever else you might buy.)

5. Voila! You have now completed the utter fuckwit look and you're acting like a cunt! I'm not really sure what these idiots do after this point because I either drink myself into oblivion or get the fuck out of any party with too many fuckwits. Okay, so mostly this is just a post about how fucking stupid you look when you tuck a t-shirt into jeans and sip VB like it's champers and yeah I'm only using the word fuckwit so much because I've been listening to Cosmic Psychos on repeat but that's what the salt-life is.


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